carl hagelin: MZone PSA: All your Tosu trash talk needs in one convenient location

On a strictly football level, Michigan fans are hard pressed to talk much smack as we head toward our annual showdown with Ohio State this Saturday. We haven't beaten Tosu since 2003 and this year could be especially ugly as The Game is in Columbus and the Wolverines arrive with the most porous defense in its 131 year history.

And yet The Game demands smack talk. I mean, did Buckeye fans shut their pie holes back in the glorious John Cooper Era (*sigh*) when U-M used to beat them year in and out, ruining their national title hopes at every turn? Of course they didn't.

Nor shall we. But what's a Michigan fan to do now that the tables have turned?

Take a page from what passed for political campaigns during the recent mid-term elections: don't argue the facts, go negative.

Thus, as a public service to our readers, we have taken the time to compile some of our favorite anti-Tosu material we've posted here on the MZone so that it may be used as smack talk this week. Best of all, due to our current defensive situation, none of it has absolutely anything to do with football! Simply send one of the links below to that annoying Buckeye in your life. When they respond with football facts and their run of Big 10 titles, laugh that deep laugh when you realize you're getting under someone's skin...then send another link. Continue as needed.

Same goes on the message boards. Buckeyes, like termites, tend to lurk just under the surface. Sure, you may think the mods have gotten rid of the pests, but they're there. So link away on your message board of choice and watch them run back to theirs, all pissed because they can't believe a team that hasn't won in C-bus since 2000 has the audacity to be talking shit.

Thus, until we can compete with Tosu on the football field again, without further adieu, behold our special early holiday gift to our MZone readers.

You're welcome!

Sincerely,

The MZone Staff

THE BUCKSTACHE

No smack talk with a Buckeye would be complete without bringing up The Buckstache, a term coined by the MZone back in 2006 after a rash of legal problems by Tosu fans, players and players-to-be -- who all sported facial hair previously known as a mustache before the birth of the Buckstache.

So do your research and click on the tag in the Buckstache post above to get other examples. If you use one of these and your target Buckeye replies with something like "That was X years ago!" remember: facts are for pussies. Then send him a pic of another Buckstache aficionado.

Remember this guy?

BROKEBUCK MOUNTAIN

Sometimes it's just too easy. Case in point: this picture from an MZone Caption Contest. Simply send the pic below and name their mom, one of the Tosu starting players - or even coach Tressel - as the person possessing the naked rump sticking out of the car. Tasteless? You bet. Anything to get them so enraged they momentarily forget the rump sticking out of the car could aptly be called "Michigan's Defense."

PHOTOSHOP PHUNNIES

Nothing like a good doctored picture to ruffle a few Buckeye feathers. Below are a few from our storied 'shop past:

ED. NOTE: When your Tosu friend emails back saying, "This is fake" stick to your guns. "No, it's not." Act indignant. Let them waste their day on Google sending you different varieties of the same pic. Swear it's obvious that those are Photoshopped, these anti-Tosu pics are the originals. Repeat.

'Shopped? Yes. Can you imagine him at the 'Shoe? Also yes.

OK, this might not be Photoshopped.

Buckeye Middle Class Housing

Buckeye Upper Class Housing (aka Tressel's Place)

WOODY

Like mocking Bear in 'Bama, you're messing with fire here - which is why you're reading this post. Remember: a) worst defense in history of Michigan football b) have lost the last 8 out of 9 against Tosu. You have nothing else. It's time for the nuclear option. So:

Hey, remind me again what happened in Woody's last game? Oh yeah...

Need more? Send video...

Still need more? Fine. Order a Clemson jersey with the name/number of the player Woody sucker punched. Or send a picture of this guy standing in front of this sign. Buckeye fans love it.

THE BEST DAMN BAND IN CENTRAL OHIO!

Tosu folks love their band. And why shouldn't they this time of year? They look just like the Salvation Army folks standing outside the mall.